Friends, and all its meanings
by Proton Star
Summary: Giles swore he'd never make the same mistakes as his father, and lived up to that promise in the worst ways. Now he has a Slayer to protect, and Ethan's appearance in Sunnydale could ruin everything he's worked for.


Title: Friends, and all its meanings

Author: Proton Star

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters; Fox/Mutant Enemy/Joss Whedon do. No money is being made from this.

Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Characters: Giles, mention of past Giles/Ethan.

Ratings/Warnings: PG-12, no spoilers beyond season 2.

Notes: Written to an lgbtfest 2011 prompt, but it went slightly off prompt. The original prompt was: Rupert Giles, Giles had a hard enough time trying to explain to Buffy and the Scoobies about Ethan Rayne being his friend. He doesn't know how to tell them that 'friend' was a euphemism...or that his present loathing of the man doesn't eliminate other feelings at all. Set between "Halloween" and "The Dark Age".

Summary: He swore he'd never make the same mistakes as his father, and lived up to that promise in the worst ways. Now he has a Slayer to protect, and Ethan's appearance in Sunnydale could ruin everything he's worked for.

* * *

When Giles was much younger, he had noticed that his father had three kinds of people he called 'friend'. There were his actual friends, then there were the people you hated but had to be polite about so they were "friends" said in a certain tone. Then there were a few of his mother's old university friends, who Giles since learned had stepped out with his mother back in the day, and whenever they visited, there was that euphemism, "friend", back again, in another tone.

And he'd sworn he'd never do that; he'd be honest about his past and his present. He'd not make the same mistakes as his father.

That much he'd stuck to. His mistakes had been his own, and in a whole different register to his father's. But the central hypocrisy that he'd been so desperate to avoid, he hadn't. Giles resorts to that old lie of "friend" on the topic of Ethan.

It's a bitter shame to him, surely, he should be old enough by now to admit his past, except he works in an American school and he needs the job to be close to Buffy. Even if Ethan weren't a follower of Chaos, he was still a man. Then again, this was no time to be xenophobic about the matter, it wasn't as though any part of his situation would be any easier in that respect back home in England.

And even if it were easier, they could never be anything but old "friends" again, because what they had done with Eyghon, for him, was wrong, and Ethan couldn't see it, more than that, refused to even try to see it.

Giles has to remember the terrible things they did, for Randall's sake. No-one deserved what happened to him. He remembers to hold off the rose-tint that memory sometimes tries to draw over that time. Because he'd been bad, and he and Ethan together had been worse.

Despite his better efforts, his mind sometimes drifts, when he's not paying attention, to those moments that weren't like that, because it wasn't as though it was all black magic and violence. Giles remembers *that* FA Cup Final, where his Hammers were playing, and Ethan cheered for the opposition, out of spite more than anything else, and West Ham had won. His team had won the cup, and there he was with the person he loved most in the world and a beer and it was perfect. That kind of memory keeps tempting him to forget that it was a bad time. He listens to music sometimes, a bit of Floyd or the Buzzcocks, and it takes him back and all he wants to do is to turn to Ethan and laugh but the time when he could have done that was such a long time ago.

He's not sure he believes in redemption any more. Doing good things to expunge your sins struck Giles as being self-centred. You should do good because it was the right thing to do, not to save yourself. He supposes that's the passing of time, and the knowledge that nothing could ever make Randall's death right. Nothing even comes close. But he was given a second chance that he didn't deserve, and he wants to believe he'd extend that to anyone, even Ethan, if Ethan ever showed the slightest sign of remorse. Only he never has. Not in twenty years.

The other guilt that Giles felt about that time was that couldn't entirely regret the knowledge that his darker days had brought. If he hadn't done those things, he wouldn't have had the life experience to even begin to be a competent Watcher for Buffy. He thinks, with horror, about how some of the green Watchers from the Council would have handled her. He still feels he doesn't know enough to keep her safe, Buffy has already died once under his care, but he would do his damnedest to make her the longest-lived Slayer this century. He wanted Buffy to experience all that life has to offer and if that meant a little hypocritical lying about certain parts of it, well, he could live with that. Because he fears that Buffy won't listen to him, won't trust him when he tries to tell her what the right thing to do is, if she finds out what he was. What he is, because he is the person that did all those things, years and distance won't change that. If she finds out, she'll lose any respect she has for him, respect he's worked hard to earn.

He'd have to hope that Ethan wouldn't return and that the "Be Seeing You" card was just him trying to wind Giles up because if he comes back either Ethan will realise what exactly it is that Giles fears and use it against him, or Buffy will find out, and that would be the end of everything.


End file.
